I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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