I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
