May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
