So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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