i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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