i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Mom said you looked used
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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