Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
