direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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