Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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