new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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