Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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