btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
and she was petting her beer can
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize