I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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