that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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