She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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