it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
