Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Come share oat with me in your robe
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
