Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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