all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
