Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
