You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
