I wish my penis had an off switch
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Come on in and take your pants off
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