He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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