she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Let's get the cat blown out
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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