My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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