the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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