Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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