And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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