This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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