he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize