life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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