She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
