I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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