awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
