He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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