Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
