Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize