He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
