In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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