So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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