you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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