She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
