I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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