I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
