Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
