I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
