I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
