one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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