The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
