She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
