even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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