I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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