I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
