How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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