We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
