I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You left your phone here
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