you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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