I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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