It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
