Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
