Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
