He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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