I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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