How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
