Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
being pregnant is like rehab
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
